Why are you submissive?

Why are you submissive?

In fact, why are you dominant?

That seems to be something I find myself interested in now whenever I come across people in D/s and FLR relationships. Sure, on the surface, it’s obvious; you want to give control to your partner, but there’s a deeper explanation to most of power exchanges. Whether it be strictly for the sex, one partner being more controlling (or submissive) than the other, or just trying something different, there’s a deeper psychological explanation, I believe.

I wouldn’t question this so much if I wasn’t in one, but knowing what goes into Rhea and I’s line of thought, it really shows me the complexity of this, that brings it beyond the point of just being a kink. When I’ve filled out any online kink profiles in the past, I’ve put down submissive as my role, but I’ve never felt I was being entirely true with myself. Not because I feel I’m not submissive. I’m comfortable and confident in being submissive, however, the term is a very broad and general one that requires more than one word to fully cover it.

Let’s take this back a bit. Being raised in house with females, I was naturally brought up to respect females. It’s always been a personal moral/value of mine. I’ll show any female a casual sense of generosity as long as they seem at least mildly decent. The better I get to know them, the more I find myself willing/wanting to do things for them, and doing more of it. However, it takes a lot for me to fully submit to anyone. I have to have a bond of steel mentally with them before I can hand over myself fully. I’m not just talking about giving them full sexual control either. That’s the least of my concerns when deciding to give someone full control. They have to have the ability to make love to me mentally, spiritually, energetically, without having to physically fuck me. High standards? Sure, but if it’s what I want, why accept anything less? And while it may sound nearly impossible, it’s not. While there’s a chance she may be the only one to ever accomplish this, Rhea is a prime example.

Which brings me to our story…

Since we’ve met, I’ve naturally taken a more submissive role to Rhea’s dominant personality. Why? Because it fits us together like a puzzle. She likes to have control in a situation, otherwise she feels it may go a way that she doesn’t like. Regardless of how that statement sounds, it’s far from negative. It fits perfectly with someone who isn’t good with taking a leadership role. I deal with self-doubt, uncertainty, and buckling under pressure, and most of all, I have a habit of making decisions controlled by emotions at the wrong times (I’m working on that one). Those things come down on me even harder when I know my decision will affect someone else’s life as much as my own, let alone someone that I love. Because of this, I felt comfortable letting her lead this relationship. However, at the early stages of our relationship, it was on an unspoken level.

When you’re young and in a new relationship, you feel the world’s pressure on you for a lot of things. For me, one of those things were being a “man”. Because of this, I often felt I might’ve been letting Rhea down in some way, and she would only take the leadership role as a way of making up for what I couldn’t handle, even if she didn’t want to.

That is, until we got to know each other more.

As time went on, and we began to open up to one another, I realized that not only she was fine leading the relationship, but she preferred it. On the flip side, I really liked pleasing her, keeping her happy, and following her lead. Which, obviously, led us to cementing that this was a FLR with me as her submissive. This was only the beginning though, as I had to learn the balance.

Regardless of what any mainstream media has taught us, being a submissive does not mean you practically become a mindless vegetable without a voice to your partner. More than ever, this is what challenged me to become a stronger person. In order to fully submit to Rhea, I had to gain a level of confidence on my own (which is something I still struggle with), and truly know what I was in this for, as the latex and whips will only be a fun few minutes in the grand scheme of it all. While it sounds like a hot (literally), and sexy time, you have to be in it for more or it won’t sustain or turn to anything more. That’s fine, as long as everyone involved is aware of that. An example of this, found especially in newer power exchanges, is the submissive partner believing their role is to do everything the dominant asks, without questioning or even discussing it if they have any concerns over the task at hand.

While I do agree that a submissive should do whatever they can to keep their partner happy, they shouldn’t mindlessly do it if they have a concern or question behind it. Everyone involved is still human, and have needs/wants to be met and fulfilled. Not voicing your concern is only going to lead to resentment, uncertainty, and assumptions. Just like a domino effect, those things will lead to a bad relationship that’ll likely end. This advice is honestly something that is not just for D/s relationships, but any relationships. I have a wandering mind, and sometimes it leads me to very irrational thoughts. Still, I have to remind myself to talk about them with Rhea, even if it’s hard. Not talking will never lead to anything good.

Back to the initial point…

What did I ultimately want out of this?

We had built a bond and a level of trust that can’t be explained in words, and by the point of agreeing to it, I had no question that Rhea would only make decisions that benefited the relationship, and not just herself. The type of selflessness that I’ve realized that requires, really helps me to appreciate anyone who’s the dominant partner in the relationship. Seeing the strength she had in this, the wisdom, courage, and knowledge made me naturally want to do everything I could to keep her happy. I felt she more than deserved it. I knew she’d also help guide me in the right direction to become a better person myself, which she’s done a tremendous job with.

Knowing I had the honor and opportunity to submit to such a strong, wonderful person was nearly all I needed to make my decision. Whether it was just being there to be a listener for her to vent to, fix her drinks, cuddle with her after a long day, or drive her to her appointments, I wanted to be the one to provide her with whatever she wanted/needed. As long as I knew she felt loved, appreciated, and highly respected by me, I was happy.

At the same time, I had to consider what she wanted, and if I could provide that while having my needs met. What we expected/wanted from each other fitted together perfectly already, as I’ve already stated, but making them clear to each person involved is a must in any power exchange relationship.

Her needs are simple. She just wants to be listened to and respected as the partner in charge. With the trust I have in her decision-making skills, and the fact that respect should be a given to your partner anyway, I had no issue doing this. It still holds its own challenges. Sometimes I may not want to do what she asks of me, out of pure laziness, or being distracted by something I’d rather be doing in that moment. Hell, I may not want to listen if she decides on something I don’t agree with in that moment. However, she’s never made a decision without heavy consideration on what’s best for us, and she’s been more than reasonable, willing to compromise in a way that makes us both happy if the situation allows it. The times she’s firm on a decision I don’t agree with, I’ve always looked back knowing she made the right choice, without a doubt.


It hasn’t been an easy road, but I didn’t go into much of that into here. This post wasn’t about our journey, but about why we chose it, and the thought process behind my submission.

So, again, I ask….

Why are you submissive, or dominant?



4 thoughts on “Why are you submissive?

  1. Thank you for sharing. My apologies at the length of the comments… it is hard to describe certain aspects without some background.

    My submission is the result of the “perfect storm” of factors across my life that led me to this point. It encompasses emotional, mental, and sexual aspects, many of which cannot be separated from one another. A lot of it stems from large amounts of trauma and abuse while growing up that led to me putting up emotional walls. It was assisted by the one girl that was kind to me and showed me attention also always found reasons to tie me up.

    My upbringing led me to a state where love had to be earned. Excellence was expected of me at all times in everything that I did and it eventually reached a point where there was no joy from success, only fear of failure and the need to be perfect to feel adequate. Failure was punished, both physically and emotionally. Thankfully I am fairly competent and a hard worker with great attention to detail. Eventually living up to expectations flowed rather easily.

    That being said, I had zero luck when it came to dating and relationships. Being a minority in a 99% white area didn’t help on that front. My “solution” to this problem was to blame myself for being inadequate and it sent me on a life-long journey of self-betterment. If I wasn’t physically attractive enough I simply needed to overcompensate for it by being excellent in other ways. When I envisioned the “perfect lover” I pictured someone that was supportive, caring, thoughtful, loyal, affectionate, romantic, loving, and the like. Someone who could be a best friend, a pillar of strength, a guardian protector, and a lover. It took time to become my ideals but I did eventually reach them.

    My teen years were around the time when sexual harassment first became a public problem. My school district lost a multi-million dollar lawsuit due to a “who would you want to fuck?” type list that was spread around the school. The powers that be over-reacted and made flirting, dating, and the like extremely difficult for our era. e.g. you could be suspended for holding hands, expelled for making the wrong comment, and so on. This basically empowered the “desired” over the suitors, because one word from them and the instigator could be in serious trouble. Couple this with my poor success and I lost all faith in my gut instinct. I was too worried to “make a move” without knowing it was absolutely what she wanted.

    Submission in itself became the ultimate solution to all of these factors. Intentions and control are made clear, so the fear of interpreting signals wrong or making the wrong decision aren’t a factor. This makes everything feel more peaceful and clear. I feel more desirable as well, as all of the changes I made to myself over the years became positive qualities within the D/s lifestyle. The psychological damage I carry with me plays into this as well as I find it completely natural to do everything I can to please the one I love… and I see this as a continuous process with no end and I willingly accept training and correction as I want to be the form that she desires most. In this process I find genuine happiness, self-confidence, emotional stability, and a strong sense of purpose.

    The other aspect is that it turns me on. I don’t so much have a kink for any specific act as I respond sexually to the idea behind D/s. Control. Status inequality. Prioritizing her needs above anything and everything. Feeling owned/kept. All of these factors affect me sexually, not so much in an “I want to orgasm” way, but more in a constant state of arousal, feeling good, and a strong desire to please her every minute of every day.

    When all of these factors are present in a relationship, I feel amazing. Without them I feel broken, lost, and an emotional mess. When it works, it feels like we compliment each other in perfect harmony. I am the yang to her yin, the moon to her sun, etc.

    I hope this makes some sense.

    Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for sharing. I found your background very interesting and intriguing. It’s amazing how much of a strong influence situations can have on us throughout the entirety of our life in multiple areas and aspects. It actually made a lot of sense. Again, thanks for sharing!


      Liked by 1 person

      • Anytime.

        It is amazing how many events can carry over and affect things over extended periods of time.

        A quick note is that my description of things might have seemed a bit clinical (and unromantic), but much of that has to do with my analysis in hindsight of the life. This is my 14th year as a submissive and I have spent a rather extensive amount of time figuring out what makes me tick, why I need certain things, and the like. Things frequently feel irrational while they are happening but make total sense when broken down in a vacuum.

        Take care.


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