I would like to start by wishing everyone a Happy New Year, even though I am late to that party. I hope everyone had Happy Holidays, and all that jazz. I am personally so thankful that it’s all over, because it just becomes so hectic and stressful.
For the last quarter of the year (at least), I really lost a lot of my drive. My mojo, in all areas of my life, really suffered, kink and sexy times, of course, not being spared. Some of the things couldn’t be helped, but my sex life is something I take serious, and I wasn’t okay with how I was feeling about it in general. I was feeling like I wasn’t fitting in my own sexuality. Let me explain exactly what I mean by that. In this case, I am referring to simply “what turns me on”, not the general who, or gender; I mean specifically my sexuality of “dominant woman”. I know that’s not exactly a sexuality, but roll with me anyway.
I’m sure most of you are aware that femdom, dominant women, submissive men, etc, all relate to very certain things in the world of the internet. If you’re clueless, just do a quick google search, or porn search. You’ll quickly find mostly PVC-clad women, who look like they can’t stand the men they’re dealing with, and they’re simply tolerating them; like they lost a bet and had to fulfill their end of the bargain. Now, I know that for many people who have their own dominant wives, or girlfriends, they understand that this isn’t the reality. However, like all stereotypes, it’s dangerous, and it manages to plague the general populace.
These sort of things were really ruining it for me. Now I am sure, you’re wondering “why don’t you just ignore the porn and go about living your life?”, and trust me, I would love to. I wish I could just ignore this version of the thing I love, and pretend it didn’t exist. However, that’s really impossible if you deal with people, at all. I am not in any way attempting to shame the people in porn, or the sex work industry. I have a super high respect, and admiration for these people. It’s a job that I think is super cool, and I support them one-thousand percent, so that’s not my gripe here, either. The problem comes in when people don’t understand that it’s a job. They are paid to act like this. And why? Well, that’s because consumers have said that’s what they want, and they have the money.
Submissive men are portrayed as weak, substandard, sissified versions of men, who want some Uber-bitch to punish them by dressing them in frilly clothes and never letting them have sex, and on and on and on. They’re portrayed this way so much that many men are starting to believe that this is what it means to be submissive, and that if you identify as dominant that it means this is what you’ll give them. Suddenly because I identify as dominant I am expected to please men, in all forms, under the guise of wanting it myself. No one takes my actual wants/kinks/desires/feelings into consideration. I am grouped into this troupe of women who wants to laugh at small penises, wear PVC/leather/fetish gear 24/7, and never get fucked by a submissive man (because that’s beneath me). And I know I am not the only dominant woman who gets put on this shelf (and that really kills me).
The reality here is, that isn’t true. I know there are many submissive men out there who don’t actually believe this stuff, and I know that they are actually considering the women in their life to be actual people. However, it feels like so often all I see is the exact opposite. The men who claim to be submissive, but really just want things about their dick, or rather don’t want it about their dick, because they’re ashamed of their sexual identities and are confused by who they are, so they want it all locked away because they haven’t worked out their shit. And/Or the men who are completely ashamed of the fact they’re submissive, because they’ve been told that it makes them weak, and less of a man, and that no woman could ever possibly want them. It’s all utter crap.
I can imagine if you’ve made it this far you’re all “Who pissed in your cheerios, Rhea? What man wronged you?”, and the answer is no one. This is all just a big conglomeration of one thing stacking on top of another, and my own thoughts mulling around in my head far too long. This is the need for me to express my own feelings about something I am very passionate about. I am sick of feeling like I don’t fit in my “sexuality” because other people have taken it and are telling me that I am doing it wrong. Now I understand that there is no such thing as the “wrong way/right way” and I am not even attempting to tell anyone what they should be doing, either. This is simply something personal, for me, and this blog is supposed to be about the journey of a couple doing FLR, and kink, and all that stuff, and my feelings have been affecting all that.
Due to my feelings I haven’t felt much like playing, or being dominant, or anything really. Our FLR is something that’s always in place, in the background, so I can’t say that it really suffered, but Narcissus has definitely felt the lack of fun and kinky sex in our life. It isn’t something entirely fair to him, because he doesn’t display these behaviors, or believe these lies, but nonetheless, he suffers (and not in the good way). Logically I should be able to go about doing the things I actually want to do, and get off on, but when you feel like you’re transitioning in any way, it can make you feel like nothing turns you on, and you have no clue what you like suddenly. So for a couple months now, my motto has been “Just give me space and let me figure out what I wanna do, and when.” It’s definitely helping, and allowing who I really am to come through.
Anyway, here’s to a new year, and probably many more posts like this.