One of the things I wanted to do when I started this blog was to try and help other dominant women (no matter sexual-orientation, gender binarism, or any other societal label that can be slapped on you). With that in mind, I figured I would try to write some advice for women who have decided they might like to try some dominant activities. (As always, there’s no “one true way” to kinky stuff.)
If the idea of controlling someone(s) (sexually or otherwise) gets you going in some way, then you deserve to explore that. It doesn’t matter if you think you “look” dominant enough, or if you think you’re tall enough, or skinny enough, or smart enough, or any other version of “enough”. Let me tell you now, you’re enough. Your fantasies, your pleasure, your ideas, they all matter and are valid and important.
Now that some of the self-doubt is out of the way (if you had any), let’s move on to other things. Figure out what sort of things you want to try. You may want to tie someone up while you have sex, you may want to pee on someone, you may want to whip someone until they’re bleeding. It doesn’t really matter what your fantasy is; there is someone out there who is into it. Also, even if you can’t find someone who shares the exact kink, you can always talk to a partner about your fantasy, and see what they’re willing to try. Someone may have never really thought about if they’re into wax play, but if you mention it, they may be willing to try it with you. Please don’t force anyone into anything though, that’s not okay. If your kink is really important for you to try, just keep looking for someone who is willing.
Next important step is to educate yourself in whatever your interest is. However, ensure that you’re actually educating yourself with real knowledge and not just wank-material. If you want to dominate someone using rope, then research the safety tips for using rope. If you have fantasies about fire play, then research that and find someone who can teach you the safe ways to do it. There is nothing wrong with your dominating fantasies, but you still need to ensure you do them in a safe manner. This, of course, also requires consent from your partner(s). If you want to dominant someone who isn’t consenting, then find out about consensual non-consent. Being educated about what you want to do will help you to feel more confident and will help you and your play-partner to have a better time.
A couple things to consider with any fantasy: are there any health concerns (beyond your typical STD/STI risks), what’s the proper way to do it (such as not tying too tight, proper places to hit a body, etc), what extra materials you will need (such as scissors for cutting in an emergency, lubricant, gloves, etc). This is by no means everything you will need to know, but it’s a couple that sometimes get forgotten in the heat of the moment.
Once you have narrowed down an activity you want to try and have educated yourself, you need someone to play with (unless it’s a solo fantasy, then go for it). Partners can come in many forms, of course. You can ask your significant other (if you have one), you can ask a friend with benefits, or you can even arrange a casual hook-up with much discussion and prior agreements. Go with whatever you’re comfortable with when it comes to the partner. What really matters is that both of you (or all of you) discuss the terms, rules, and possibly expectations if they’re relevant. Everyone needs to be aware of what is going to happen, what the safe-words (or actions) are, and that everyone is consenting. Now, realize that consent at the beginning doesn’t mean consent until the very end. Sometimes people end up not liking something, and they want to stop, respect that and don’t bash anyone for it. It doesn’t matter if someone is submitting in that scene, they have the right to stop at any time, for any reason. Also, consent is for everyone; if you, as the dominant, become uncomfortable or want to stop, you can. You are not obligated to finish a scene if you don’t want to, no matter what the reason. Safe words/actions are for everyone.
So, you found an activity, educated yourself, and have a consenting partner. Now what you do is try your fantasy out. Keep in mind that things will likely go quite differently than you imagined; someone could catch a leg cramp that you have to accommodate for, you may not be quite as skilled at whipping as you hoped, your partner may not like you rubbing ice cubes on them. However, these things aren’t reasons you shouldn’t keep trying your fantasies out. With time, you can get better with toys (bondage devices, ropes, etc), you can try out a different fantasy if your partner isn’t okay with the first (or find a new partner); you will become more confident and find what works. Something else to keep in mind is that your pleasure is just as important and valid as your partners. If you’re putting your partner in a situation where they are handing control over to you, don’t abuse it (in ways that weren’t agreed upon), you’re responsible for their safety, physically and mentally. It’s okay to question yourself, but if you think you may cause damage to your partner(s) then educate yourself more first.
Also, something to keep in mind with dominating and kinky play is the reality of sub-drop, and dom-drop. This can happen when endorphins in the body peak high during play and then drop once play is done. This can be like a mild form of depression, but people experience different things. There are many articles written about sub/dom-drop. Many bottoms/submissives/partners will require aftercare. This can come in the form of talking about what happened, cuddling, a bath, some space while they process, or something else entirely. Not everyone will have sub-drop, or dom-drop but it’s something to be aware of. Dom-drop is a little less talked about, but it definitely exists. Dominants will sometimes question the things they did, if they’re a bad person because of what turns them on, or if their partner still loves them/is okay with them (along with other things). Don’t be afraid to talk about these feelings with your partner. Once play time is over, it’s important to have an open and safe place (mentally speaking) where everyone is free of “roles” and can talk freely about their feelings and concerns.
So just to recap:
Find what you’re into.
Find a consenting partner.
Be aware of mental and emotional issues that can arise.
Also, if your fantasy is strictly just a fantasy, and you have no desire to ever bring it to life, that’s fine. It doesn’t make it any less of a valid fantasy, and if it’s what makes you happy, then that’s good. You shouldn’t feel ashamed to fantasize about something, just because it’s wrong in someone else’s eyes. Fantasies do not hurt anyone.
This little blog post is by no means a catch all, or an answer to every question, obviously. This is just a small piece of advice for someone who has discovered they are turned on by dominating others. For many people it’s going to be a very obvious (and talked-about-to-death) piece of advice, but for some it may be helpful. It also doesn’t really just pertain to women, it’s advice for anyone who is considering being dominate in the sexy times. Please play safe, everyone.