This post is trailing my last one fairly quickly, especially when you look at the breaks I had started to take in between posts, but I suppose with me figuring myself out again, I’m bound to have a little more to talk about now.
Last time, I talked about the long distance aspect of our D/s relationship. Now, I’m here to talk about the “together” side of it.
Mrs. Fever, collaredmichael, and furcissy all gave amazing ideas on how to continue our dynamic in ways that fulfill the both of us, even when apart. We have been discussing a lot of them whenever we get the chance, and working out the specifics on how we’d do it. I’ll talk more about that as we actually get more concrete, solid ideas and plans in place.
I visited Rhea Monday, and stayed there until today. On the first day, I noticed that my sex drive was rather high, but in a good way. I didn’t feel consumed by it, but driven, motivated, disciplined, and every time throughout the day I saw her in my favorite pair of jeans that she owns, instead of fantasizing about fucking her, I fantasized about touching her, kissing her, and most of all, tasting her sacred pussy, or feeling the inside of it with my fingers.
So that night, I begged her to let me taste her, and thankfully, she allowed it. I got exactly what I wanted too; her forcing my head into her wet cunt as she ground it against my face, me shoving my tongue as deep into her as I could possibly get it, and her cumming in my mouth.
After she came, I loved the state it left me, us, in. Because I didn’t get anything done to me, or have an orgasm, I didn’t have to deal with the drop. I didn’t feel tired, or like I was suddenly yanked from the moment. I could really look at what I had done for her with my full attention, and that, alone, really got me off.
The next night, when the question of sex came up, I found myself in the same place. I really wanted to put my focus and attention on her, but didn’t want anything in return. When I told her this, it made her ask me what was the reason for suddenly wanting things this way. It was a good question to ask, because honestly, I hadn’t put any thought into it myself. I gave it some time to process before gathering my thoughts and explaining them the best I could.
I can’t say that I’ll explain it any better here, but I’ll try.
I told her that I was tired of the focus and attention I had put on my dick for so long, and dealing with the refractory period of orgasms. It was something I had dealt with for so long from the addiction, and now that I’m out of it, I wanted to step away from it for now.
So after another night of me going down on her in an extremely sexy fucking time, we decided to talk about things a bit more while we laid in bed. She asked if cutting out PIV sex altogether for now was something that I wanted. I couldn’t answer that then and there, so I slept on it.
After thinking about it some more today, I told her that saying we are cutting out PIV sex entirely is something that would add a certain type of pressure that may hurt things, but I would like to take a 90/10 approach. This would cut our ratio down to 90% of our sex would be me solely focusing on pleasing her, with the other 10% involving us both. I also added that I would like to include orgasm denial again, because that is a big factor in what would keep me at this level I like.
Even though I started to over explain myself, she quickly understood it, and thought that it’s a good plan. Of course, none of this is set in stone to be exactly what I say, because she is the one in charge. However, she always encourages me to tell her my thoughts and feelings, so she at least knows where I’m at and what I’m going through. Communication is always key.
While it was a bit intimidating to fully say that I don’t find much interest in having things done to my dick anymore, I do feel it is an accurate statement about the current place I’m at in life. I’m most definitely intrigued to see where this, and our long distance aspect, goes now that we’re in an evolved place in our relationship that’s healing.
-Narcissus
Training Narcissus 
Hello there.
Thank you for the kind words. I apologize in advance if anything I am about to write has already been covered at some point on your blog. I haven’t had a chance to read a whole lot of it so if I say anything in these comments that seem like “well, duh” commentary I don’t mean any disrespect by it.
From the sound of things your night of oral worship gave you a strong positive experience in that sort of pleasing mindset. When I find myself in that mindset I consider it to be the “best version of myself” and it makes me feel quite good.
In regards to cutting out PIV sex, something very important to consider is how much (if at all) that she relies upon that shared experience for intimacy. I know in some cases a woman may be like “so that means I get more oral? Great!” In other cases cutting it out can make them feel like they are losing something dear to them and occasionally lead to self-consciousness or doubt. If you do cut it out, things will go better if she is fully on board with the idea… and ideally, if she prefers oral/fingers/toys to PIV sex.
That being said, there are ways to maintain that submissive mindset with PIV sex, it just takes a lot of control and possibly a handful of adjustments. From my experiences, there exists a “point of no return” where a man gets so aroused that their best intentions, thoughts, plans, and feelings go completely out the window and the desire to cum takes over completely. If you are able to have PIV sex in such a way that keeps you from reaching that point, that will work pretty well. For the record, I have never been permitted to have an orgasm during PIV sex.
A few ideas:
An extreme level of focus and self-control. This is the hardest method but with the right positions and with focused intent it is possible to keep from reaching the point of no return. Slowing down and changing motions when it starts to feel “good” to you. Approaching it with the same focus as you do oral can help as well, e.g. attempting to hit the G-spot, paying careful attention to her breathing, the way her chest/ribs expand and contract, the slight variations in her pelvic and vagina muscles, her eyes, etc. What you may find is that the angles you use to drive deep into the G-spot every time often aren’t all that conducive to the male orgasm (although this heavily varies based upon the strength of her vaginal muscles). Also, in many cases, being very verbal and talking to her while you focus on pleasing her can increase her arousal/pleasure while helping to tune out the desires of your penis. Telling her she is beautiful, that you love her, how sexy it is when she cums, how badly you wish to please her, and the like can distract your own mind quite well while making her emotional arousal even stronger. This may or may not be possible for you. If not, there are other ideas.
Reduce stimulation. Using 2 or 3 condoms, desensitizing lotion, or the like can help. Basically, anything that will turn your penis into a flesh dildo.
Use a toy. They make penis sheathes and extensions that cover and reduce the stimulation to your penis. They also make strap ons that will fit men. Some women really prefer the feel of flesh. Others don’t care as much about that and care more about having your bodies pressed together and the closeness of the moment. Without knowing preferences this may or may not be a viable option.
Experiment with positions. If she goes cowgirl and tilts her pelvis towards you, in order to hit the G-spot you will need to tilt your hips in such a way in order to reach the G-spot and it also forces you to shorten your motions (the length of thrust is mostly under her control). If she stays away from movements that will put pressure on the spots that stimulate you the most, it is possible to avoid pushing you to the point of no return.
Fear. “If you cum then I’ll punish you by [Insert very bad thing here].”
Willingness to abruptly change gears. If you call out as soon as you find yourself thinking more about your penis feeling good than about pleasuring her, say something. This will likely involve an abrupt stop to the motions and ideally a full removal. If she can change gears and follow that up with something that will push you back into subspace, it will allow you to reset your mindspace. If there is an act that really affects you strongly and makes you deeply feel your submission and love, that is a good choice. Other ideas might include biting, pinching, or twisting your nipples hard, flipping you over and smacking your butt, or mounting your face and switching to oral. This will work best if it is something she really enjoys and would not mind breaking off to do it.
Ruined orgasms. Have you ever had one of these? If no, the best way I can describe it is like that feeling where you think you are going to sneeze and then you don’t… and you’re left with this feeling of longing, knowing it would have felt much better to sneeze than to not sneeze. IMO, a ruined O feels like that… pulsing through your entire body… at about 100x the intensity. The best/worst part about it is that without the chemical release of a true orgasmic ejaculation, it will not crash you out of your submissive mindset. If you find yourself in that point of no return and unable to hold back, call it out and she can ruin it. The easiest method is to simply apply very firm pressure at the base of the penis (bottom side) and block the urethra with her thumb. She will likely feel it pulse several times and when the convulsions stop you will likely dribble a little and a lot of it gets forced back or into the bladder. The feeling you will have afterwards is “all kinds of fucked up,” but it won’t be the detached post-orgasm feeling. At this point it is probably better to change over to oral/fingers but it will at least have had some of the PIV sex time if that is desired.
In parting, keep in mind these ideas are only for if she would miss PIV sex. Feel free to ignore them if this doesn’t apply, I’ve just found myself in similar situations where I felt better about myself if I didn’t O but PIV sex was still something that was very important to her.
Take care, and I hope you are able to find a balance.
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Thanks so much for the ideas! They are definitely helpful, and useful for when the occasion arises.
-Narcissus
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Thank you for the shout out. I hope these ideas help you achieve the desired results. It is always difficult to have a long distance relationship without the added difficulty of having a BDSM component. Good luck!
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Thanks so much for all the help you’ve given. I’ll be sure to continue posting the process as it continues!
-Narcissus
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When my husband was first in the mental place you describe – coming out of the fog, suddenly intensely aware and connected, focused on pleasing me – he wanted to avoid PIV. Which was mostly okay… Until it wasn’t. Because sometimes I WANT that. And not because I’m particularly interested in him getting off, but because it’s a different kind of intimacy.
He, however, had spent so many years with the mindset of “PIV sex is about me (meaning him) and it’s finished when I cum,” that it took a lot of redirecting and reworking – ultimately rewiring – to get him out of that mindset. I don’t know if it’s psychological, biological, or porn-induced hypnosis, but it was really hard for him to wrap his brain around the idea of “PIV is not for me and it doesn’t mean I get to cum.”
On the other side of that: At one point he was on a 90-day reboot, and he was pretty far into it – 86 days or something – and I not only wanted “regular” (PIV) sex but I really wanted him to orgasm with me. I needed that connection. And he didn’t get it.
It was a hurtful situation. We resolved it, but it took him a while to wrap his brain around the idea that just because HE was – for the first time in years – feeling “all there” and fully WITH me when he was providing me alternative pleasures, didn’t mean that *I* was actually getting what I needed. In the end, he understood. And ever since then, if PIV – with or without him orgasming – is what I want, then that’s what I get. And a lot of the processing afterward (when he’s allowed to cum) is about the difference in the come-down. Because when you’re connected, when you’re WITH someone – physically, emotionally – your hormones work with one another’s to even out, which takes away the drug-like euphoria/crash cycle.
A n y w a y
Not sure any of that was particularly helpful, but basically, I’ve been there – on Rhea’s side of it – and I get it, and it took some working out.
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It’s definitely an unfamiliar place to be mentally for the person recovering, which also puts their partner in a similar place to help understand and relate to them. It’s definitely something that’s going to take time to figure out, but we are both just glad that things are getting better from the time that I was hooked.
Thanks for the help!
-Narcissus
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