Something that’s been coming up as an intriguing, yet extremely complex topic for Rhea and I, is long distance D/s. After having to cut it during my addiction because of the various problems, I really thought about how I missed the added bond that it gave us, and how I’d like it back.
A few days ago, I told Rhea I’d like to reintroduce it to our apart time.
I’m sure by now if you’re reading this, you know our situation. Still, here’s a quick rundown; we don’t live together, however, we see each other pretty regularly. Sounds like something that should be easily worked out, right? Sure, but it’s definitely not, especially when you’re dealing with someone that’s a recovering porn/sex addict.
Our D/s relationship together really isn’t a problem. I listen to her and do as she wants. She is in control of sex, and we can do various BDSM acts together. There isn’t really a way to translate that stuff to the long distance aspect. She can’t tell me to do much for her that will benefit her unless she’s here, and quite frankly, the same goes for me. A large part of my enjoyment is knowing she’s doing it to me, and that she’s getting something from it. While I could live with doing it to myself for her, if she’s not getting anything from it, it’s pointless to me.
This is where my addiction recovery comes into play…
Even though my initial “reboot” time is over, I’ve decided that this isn’t the time for me to go back to masturbating, if ever. I’d much rather have the clarity and focus in life that I gained from cutting it out. Because of this, masturbating, or edging, isn’t something I think we should include. Occasionally, a part of me questions in the back of my mind if I could maintain any aspect of it knowing it’s in her control, but I believe it would be better for us to not risk it. This is something we can do in person still, because it’s not the same triggers for me as it is being alone. Doing it when she’s with me gives me a similar connection with her as sex, and it doesn’t have the same result. Alone, however, brings back the feeling of the addiction for obvious reasons. Whatever the case may be, the benefits of edging includes the uplifted mood that a lot men get from denial, and simply entertainment for her. Neither of these things will have the same impact when we are apart, which led to us agreeing that risking it wasn’t worth it.
That’s not to say I won’t have some sort of sexual urge or drive when we are apart. That’s only normal, and not something I’m going to pretend doesn’t exist. Instead of getting off physically, I’d rather do it in a less direct way. A mental way. A way that didn’t actually involve sex, or me getting off, but me putting the energy toward us, my daily life, and pleasing her in other ways.
That was the first thing that we discussed after my proposal to incorporate it more, and honestly, it was the easier part of this. We then hit the brick wall that we are at now;
What are some things we can do that benefits her, and doesn’t involve me having to wank my cock?
She’s even asked me what are some things that makes my submissive side feel fulfilled, but I can only ever give her the non-helpful answer of “whatever makes you happy”. It’s not getting us anywhere, but it’s truly the only one that I can give right now. I thought back to what our long distance D/s consisted of, and it was always involving me masturbating/edging in some way, and sometimes sending pictures. The exact opposite of what we are aiming for now.
While this is tough to figure out, it’s fascinating to me. It’s challenging, and interesting, to see what ideas and decisions we come up with in the end.
If we do, anyway.
The pessimistic side of me wonders if we are attempting to make something work in a way that it just can’t. The optimistic side believes we are just being challenged to be creative with our dynamic. Even if it takes some time, I’m more confident, than not, that we will figure it out.