Long distance D/s… again

Something that’s been coming up as an intriguing, yet extremely complex topic for Rhea and I, is long distance D/s. After having to cut it during my addiction because of the various problems, I really thought about how I missed the added bond that it gave us, and how I’d like it back.

A few days ago, I told Rhea I’d like to reintroduce it to our apart time.

I’m sure by now if you’re reading this, you know our situation. Still, here’s a quick rundown; we don’t live together, however, we see each other pretty regularly. Sounds like something that should be easily worked out, right? Sure, but it’s definitely not, especially when you’re dealing with someone that’s a recovering porn/sex addict.

Our D/s relationship together really isn’t a problem. I listen to her and do as she wants. She is in control of sex, and we can do various BDSM acts together. There isn’t really a way to translate that stuff to the long distance aspect. She can’t tell me to do much for her that will benefit her unless she’s here, and quite frankly, the same goes for me. A large part of my enjoyment is knowing she’s doing it to me, and that she’s getting something from it. While I could live with doing it to myself for her, if she’s not getting anything from it, it’s pointless to me.

This is where my addiction recovery comes into play…

Even though my initial “reboot” time is over, I’ve decided that this isn’t the time for me to go back to masturbating, if ever. I’d much rather have the clarity and focus in life that I gained from cutting it out. Because of this, masturbating, or edging, isn’t something I think we should include. Occasionally, a part of me questions in the back of my mind if I could maintain any aspect of it knowing it’s in her control, but I believe it would be better for us to not risk it. This is something we can do in person still, because it’s not the same triggers for me as it is being alone. Doing it when she’s with me gives me a similar connection with her as sex, and it doesn’t have the same result. Alone, however, brings back the feeling of the addiction for obvious reasons. Whatever the case may be, the benefits of edging includes the uplifted mood that a lot men get from denial, and simply entertainment for her. Neither of these things will have the same impact when we are apart, which led to us agreeing that risking it wasn’t worth it.

That’s not to say I won’t have some sort of sexual urge or drive when we are apart. That’s only normal, and not something I’m going to pretend doesn’t exist. Instead of getting off physically, I’d rather do it in a less direct way. A mental way. A way that didn’t actually involve sex, or me getting off, but me putting the energy toward us, my daily life, and pleasing her in other ways.

That was the first thing that we discussed after my proposal to incorporate it more, and honestly, it was the easier part of this. We then hit the brick wall that we are at now;

What are some things we can do that benefits her, and doesn’t involve me having to wank my cock?

She’s even asked me what are some things that makes my submissive side feel fulfilled, but I can only ever give her the non-helpful answer of “whatever makes you happy”. It’s not getting us anywhere, but it’s truly the only one that I can give right now. I thought back to what our long distance D/s consisted of, and it was always involving me masturbating/edging in some way, and sometimes sending pictures. The exact opposite of what we are aiming for now.

While this is tough to figure out, it’s fascinating to me. It’s challenging, and interesting, to see what ideas and decisions we come up with in the end.

If we do, anyway.

The pessimistic side of me wonders if we are attempting to make something work in a way that it just can’t. The optimistic side believes we are just being challenged to be creative with our dynamic. Even if it takes some time, I’m more confident, than not, that we will figure it out.



6 thoughts on “Long distance D/s… again

  1. Do you wear a chastity device? If so, the picture-proofs could revolve around NOT touching (ensuring the cage is on, showing you’re shaved/clean, demonstrating restraint when you’re hard and straining against your cage), or journal logs could be required for proof of keying in and out (for exercise or medical appointments, for example).

    One thing I personally enjoy is when my partners write for me. Whether it’s for a prompt I provide, or for extracting what’s in their heart or head around a specific topic… Basically if they write for my entertainment or edification, about what they like/want/fear/admire, etc., I find that enjoyable. Even if it’s a fantasy story, I always learn from it, and they do it FOR me, so we both get “fed” from it.

    And speaking of getting fed…

    I like treats. And I like them best when they are home-made, and made with me in mind. I especially like receiving packages in the mail that contain treats. Not sure how that would work for you two, but when I tell my long-distance partner that I’m craving cookies and then he bakes some and sends me a dozen… Yes, I like that. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    • We do, in fact, have a few chastity cages. They got thrown to the side once things started going South, but that’s actually not a bad idea to incorporate sometimes. Thanks so much for all of the ideas. They are actually excellent and we are discussing ways to do some of them already!


      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing.

    I have experiences with some long-distance D/s and it can definitely be rough, especially if guided masturbation via phone/skype/etc. traditionally made up a large part of it. Here are a few ideas that might provide useful (or worthless), keeping in mind that she likely enjoys some of the sexual aspects but balancing in ideas that will work on the non-sexual sides of submission.

    -Record every time you find yourself filled with sexual desire. Basically, an erection count. You can be as detailed as you want (day/time/reason, etc.) or just take a hard count for the day and report it daily. Even if you aren’t trying to be sexual, it at least gives her a connection to the frequency of your arousal.

    -Learn to ruin your own orgasms. This probably is the opposite of the answer you are looking for but it might be worth some consideration.

    -As you prep for her next visit, have her send a list of things she would like you to do in preparation. e.g. clean this room today, vacuum it, etc. Have these bath oils on hand. What color sheets does she want on the bed? What foods should be in the fridge? etc. The list should be extensive enough to where you cannot finish it in one day or have her send a couple of items each day (or every couple of days). The idea is that you will have a handful of things to do every day that will keep you focused upon what would please her.

    -Develop new skills. Have her choose one of her favorite foods/meals and you can learn to make it, practicing making it at least two or three times a week until her next visit. Send her pictures of the completed plate when you are done as well as a description of its flavor. Have her give feedback on the picture each time so that by the time her next visit arrives you have mastered it. You could repeat this for a new food/meal between each visit. After a few months you should slowly become her perfect personal chef and that makes you an even better submissive partner.

    -Find out if she has some things she uses to pamper herself and has to pay for and research them. e.g. pedicures, massage, facials, etc. Learn everything you can and acquire the products necessary to perform them. Put them into practice each time she visits.

    -Each day find a picture, poem, blog entry, meme, etc. that you think would make her smile and send it to her. Every day.

    -Each day send her a list of X number of things that you like about her or find special. Send them every day.

    Hopefully some of these might help out.

    Take care.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Both of these (furcissy and Mrs.Fever) have listed some really great ideas. My only one was the chastity cage idea–but if you have access to a key it might not be great! Then again maybe it would be ok. I have gone weeks without having to take mine off. There were no problems. But I do find that it is better off when I am doing heavy workouts.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I agree. It’s nice to have such a helpful community in situations like this. I do believe the chastity cage would be a great idea to bring back. I would have a key, but I always had self control the first time we used it, so I’m confident it would work again. Thanks!


        Liked by 1 person

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