Here I am, up early at the time of writing this. I’m the only person awake, as Rhea has went to bed just minutes ago. While I’m slightly annoyed at the fact that I’m having a hard time sleeping (it happens semi-often for me), it’s giving me some really good, quiet, alone time to think with my tea. To my surprise, I realized that instead of thinking about something sexual-related, as I would have some time ago, I’m thinking about other things such as my workout goals, techniques to perfect my art, and life itself. That doesn’t mean that I’m not still a sexual person, because I definitely am. It means that I’m no longer consumed by an addiction.
Only realizing this a few days ago, I’m approaching the ninety day mark of my porn addiction reboot, and wow, it feels like time flew by.
I can’t believe I said that, because when I took this on in mid-December, it felt like I was starting a prison sentence. When I finally made the true decision to face the addiction and let it go, March felt like years away. Like I’d be in the rest home celebrating my reboot. If I didn’t die from not having my sacred porn, that is. However, no, it went nothing like that. We’re here, I’m still the same age, and instead of killing me, I actually got stronger. I feel better than I ever have, I’m much more focused on my goals in life, and I feel my overall choices and quality of life is better ten-fold. Looking back on it, I remember still being in denial that porn is a problem, initially. Then, once I accepted that, I still tried to justify masturbating often, but like the process of a snake shedding its skin, those thoughts and feelings slowly left my mind as the weeks went by (without me even realizing it as it happened), and as of now, I can say that I do not feel directly addicted to porn.
Does that mean I feel I can slack a bit?
Not at all. In fact, I’ve accepted that this will be a life-long battle that I must always be cautious around. I will have to remain self aware of triggers, and I know I won’t be able to watch it again, but I’m fine with that. Not feeling addicted just means that I don’t have the recurring sporadic urges or want to watch it anymore. I’m not getting comfortable yet though.
While I may be over the addiction itself, I know that repairing the damage is far from over. I still have the occasional drops in mood that happen at random (even though they are decreasing), my sex drive is a roller coaster, and my relationship with sex in general is one that I have to work on now. However, I don’t let any of that stop me from seeing the huge amount of progress I’ve made. As someone that started this at such a young age, I knew this would be a long, hard, road ahead of me and honestly, I’m surprised I’ve done this well so soon.
Years ago, I would laugh in the face of people that claim porn/sex/masturbation addiction is real, but now, I feel I am living testament that it’s scarily real. It’s not a drug you have to find a dealer, pay for, or leave your house to get. It’s free, literally at your fingertips, and can be acquired right in your own home.
During a conversation about this very topic a couple of nights ago, Rhea told me that once this is over, I’ll be stronger for it. The moment she said it, I paused. I had to really think about her words, and what it meant. As simple as it seems, it was a thought that hadn’t crossed my mind before that point. She knows exactly the things I need to hear, even when I don’t know that I need it.
With all of that being said, we both know that this is just over the first hump. However, it’s a big one, and the momentum is only picking up from here on out.