Being in a D/s relationship, along with a FLR, may seem relatively simple at first glance. Speaking from the submissive partner’s perspective, the role may seem pretty straight forward. You follow the rules set in place by the dominant partner, and you let them lead, hence a female led relationship. To some, that may seem like sitting back and enjoying the ride while the other takes charge.
However, it’s obviously not that simple at all. Actually implementing the roles takes tremendous effort on both ends. Even though submitting requires you to give yourself over to your partner, you have to learn how to balance that and accept taking from them, also.
What really opened my eyes to this and got me to thinking about it was something that happened a couple of nights ago. Rhea asked me how I felt about bringing punishments back. While I’m definitely for it, I had to ask her why did she feel I need them now. I felt that I had been listening pretty well, for the most part.
After some repeated explaining from her that I required, I finally understood it. Aside from being sassy at times, almost anytime money is involved in anything we do, I try to forcefully pay for it. This will lead to me repeatedly bugging her about letting me pay for it all, paying her back, or even trying to find compromises that let me pay for more than she’s allowing.
I’ve done this through our entire relationship, and while I know it can annoy her, only now have I realized how annoying, and stepping out of my boundaries, it can be. One of the fundamental principles of our relationship is that her final decision is the bottom line, but somehow, it never crossed my mind when this situation was put into play.
While pride would seem to be the first reason behind this, I don’t believe it is that for me. If I had to narrow it down, I’d probably say it’s a couple of things; guilt with a bit of societal pressure sprinkled on top.
Even though I’m someone that strives to not let the influence of society rule them, it happens. When it’s the world you’re raised in, it’s hard to completely avoid it. With that being said, we live in a society where you’re seen as less of a man if the female pays for you in any way. You’re considered a leech, bum, moocher, slacker, user, etc. I can’t say women have it any easier, as they have their own negative associations if a man pays for them, along with the expectations of them that comes along with it. I will say, though, that I don’t feel this is the biggest culprit here. I realized this issue a couple of years back within myself, and has worked through it as I got older.
Guilt is a weird emotion. It’s one that builds within us when we feel we did something wrong. So, what’s wrong with Rhea paying for me, or anyone else doing it for that matter? As long as no one is being forced, there really isn’t anything wrong. That doesn’t stop me, though. I always feel extremely guilty whenever she puts any of her money toward me in any way. I don’t feel I deserve it. I feel like she should be putting it toward herself instead. I tell her this every time it happens, and it usually leads to heated moments and sometimes full blown arguments when I don’t accept her decision.
She always makes a key point; it’s not my choice to make.
I always brush that off, and continue on with trying to force her to let me pay. However, she’s right, and I’m just now fully realizing that I need to accept that fact. If I’m choosing to be in an FLR with her, however she chooses to spend money on us, doesn’t give me the right to try and demand it be any other way. That doesn’t mean that I feel that I should keep my mouth entirely shut, but after I voice my opinion, and we discuss it, I need to accept the final decision.
With that being said, I told her I think bringing back a punishment system would work this time.
Why would anyone in their right mind want to be punished??
That’s just it, as I’ve said before; I hate being punished. I do love what they stand for, and the closure they give situations, though. Furthermore, I feel that now that I’m in a better mental place, I’m confident I will need them a lot less, and when I do earn them, I’ll be much better at actually accepting them.