It’s crazy how you can be so blind to things you’ve become accustomed to. I never realized how bad things had got between Narcissus and I. Believe me, I wasn’t oblivious to what was going on, and how it affected us. However, I had turned a blind eye to certain things, it seems.
Now that Narcissus is through the worst of the process (or so it seems), I’m noticing so many positive changes. We argue less, he listens more, he’s less argumentative, less bratty in general. It’s a really great thing. Even during his worst of times, he wasn’t as bad as a lot of the people I read about. Our relationship was never straight shit. I’m sure to every person around us, they didn’t even notice any negative things.
So, I have to say, I am really glad that he’s finally facing this problem head on. This isn’t the first time he’s tried to work on this problem in some fashion, but this is the first time he’s fully accepted it for what it is.
Through the changes he’s making, a lot of things are different on his end, more than mine. He’s now seeing things I always have, and so on. There are changes for me, too, though. It’s really something that can’t be explained, or defined overly well, though, because it’s all very subtle. Yet not.
This has left me in an odd place as his partner, and dominant even, though. I keep asking myself, “why didn’t I do anything sooner?” Logically, I tell myself you can’t force anyone out of something like that, but another part of me keeps screaming that I should have fucking done something. He’s mine. I’m supposed to protect him. I’m supposed to make sure he’s okay. I had known for quite a while that he has a problem when it comes to maturation/porn. Yet, I never put my foot down to enforce any change in it.
Sure, when we did chastity and denial heavier, he wasn’t having near as many orgasms. However, I let him still look at porn and edge, quite frequently, when we weren’t together. Now, I sit back and wonder what sort of impact did this have.
I’ve never been the sort of person to condemn porn and masturbation. Never. I fully support masturbation, and encourage people to do it, and I will have honest discussions about it all day long. I also support ethical porn. So it was never my place to tell someone that they couldn’t be doing these things. Now though, I keep wondering should I have done something? If I had stepped in, would less damage have been done? Could I have really made a difference?
There’s also a voice in me that keeps asking what the hell type of dominant I am if I can’t take care of my person? If I can let them spiral that far into something, what’s that say about me? I put a fuck ton of pressure on myself to be really fucking perfect, and when it comes to people that I call mine, I’m even harder; ruthlessly so. So, I feel like I failed myself, and him. It has left me in a questioning place.
To try and make up for this, I find myself being even more vigilant than before. I watch everything. I pay attention to every little nuance, even more than before. However, I also have to realize that while it’s my job to protect him, it’s not my job to be his parent. He’s an adult. I have to let him live, and make mistakes, and learn. I can’t live his life for him. I can’t force him to live by (all of) my rules. He has to figure certain things out for himself, too. It’s an extraordinarily fine line that I am not the best at walking. I’ve been on both extremes before with him. I am striving so hard to find balance.
I know that questioning all of this doesn’t change the past. I just want to learn from these mistakes and do better in the future. I don’t plan to waste too much more time on senseless guilt. I just plan to see my flaws, and learn from it all, and move on to a better future.