I’m an insecure person, and not all at the same time. I am so ridiculously confident and full of myself on one hand, and on the other, I believe I’m the lowest of the low. This isn’t a way for me to garner compliments, or reassurances; it’s simply just me telling truths about myself that I want to divulge.
I am extraordinarily sexually confident. I think this comes from being sexually comfortable. I am not ashamed of my sexuality; of the things I want done to my body, of the things I want to do to your body. I am comfortable with pleasuring myself, and being pleasured by others, when that’s what I want. I wish more people were comfortable like I am.
However, I am not comfortable with all my fantasies, and desires. Some of the things that turn me on, scare me. Some of the things I find myself thinking about at times, just aren’t okay. These things aren’t precisely what make me insecure with myself, but they can make me ashamed. I strive to never repress, or be ashamed with myself, because I don’t feel it’s healthy, but alas, I am not perfect.
I am confident in who I am. That is not to say I don’t strive to be a better person, because I always do. I strive to become more intelligent, open, and compassionate, just to name a few things. However, I am (mostly) comfortable with who I am. Yet, this doesn’t stop me from feeling like a horrible person. It’s hard to write that. I know I am loved, and valued by many people all around me, and I shouldn’t feel that way, but I constantly question if I’m “good enough”.
I’m not the sort of person that needs to be friends with everyone (not saying I won’t strive to be friendly and respectful to everyone, until they give me a reason not to). I know that not everyone is meant to be friends and get along, that’s okay with me. I don’t even need to be liked by everyone; again I know that’s not realistic.
Yet, I have a huge fear of rejection (abandonment,too). I am not speaking of being rejected sexually, I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea and that’s perfectly fine. I am speaking of being rejected for who I am. I’m not so insecure that rejection from every person in the world bothers me, but I fear rejection from certain people. I wish that I was stronger, so that I didn’t need certain people’s acceptance.
I’m also a huge perfectionist, and an extraordinarily harsh critic of myself. I expect myself to be absolutely perfect in so many areas, and when I fail to meet my own expectations, I brutally beat myself up about it.
This sort of honesty is hard for me. I am a very open person, and I will honestly answer most questions asked of me (and if I don’t want to answer, I will tell you as much instead of lying). Yet, admitting to myself my shortcomings is hard (harder than I thought it would be). In the spirit of not repressing things though, I am going to try and do it more often. Bottling things up doesn’t fix them. This is enough admittance for now though.