Sexuality is complicated. I am sure this is something that I don’t need to explain to any of you.
(Also, please keep in mind this is just one post and cannot explain the entire complexity of the situation, or me.)
Most of my life, from the age of around six or seven, I’ve identified as bisexual. No, I didn’t call myself bisexual because I didn’t know the word. However, I thought I liked both boys and girls, in that way. I’ve always been a very sexually aware person, even as a very young child. However, I can remember back to this age, and even before, the only people I actually liked, in a sexual way, were women/girls. I can remember some of my first crushes: Helena Bonham Carter and Sheri Moon Zombie. There were other women before them, but I didn’t know their name, and I wasn’t old enough to obsess that heavily, yet.
I wasn’t shy about the fact I liked girls with my mother; I always told her about the girls I found attractive. (My father really wasn’t involved, and I wasn’t close to my step-father, so I didn’t discuss these things with them.) Somehow though, I don’t think she fully realized that I liked girls.
As I started school it became even more obvious to me (and I wasn’t oblivious even at this young) that other girls didn’t really like girls. They would ask me what boys I liked, and they all had their picks. I believe that this pushed me to start looking at boys, and trying to find them attractive. I’ve always been able to appreciate people’s beauty, male or female, but I never was sexually attracted to men.
Now, as I said, I thought I liked both boys and girls from an early age, but I think I was sort of pushed into the liking boys part. Like I tricked myself, almost. So for all my life, until very recently (within the past two months) I’ve been identifying as bisexual. Now, after all these years, I have realized I’m honestly lesbian. However, that’s not simple either, because I love Narcissus and I AM sexually attracted to him. So the best “label” I can slap on myself is homoflexible.
So, why didn’t I realize I was gay sooner? Well, that’s a great question, because I never had anything against being gay. I knew my mom wouldn’t be ashamed of me. I never cared that much what society/people would think of me, so I honestly can’t say. I have my suspicions, but nothing concrete. Now, how did I finally come to this realization? Time and exploring, more than anything, I guess.
Narcissus and I have an open-relationship, and that gives me the freedom to talk to, and interact with whoever I please. In the eight years we’ve been together I have talked to quite a few guys, and a few girls. For one reason or another though, I ALWAYS found a reason to not go further with the guys. Now, were some of them not worth it? Of course; that’s just people. However, some of them, I have no doubt, were perfectly fine and it was just me. I kept repeating this same cycle. A guy would express interest in me, I would chat with him a while, and usually end up cutting it off within a couple of days. Now, one did get quite close, and that was Flower. (You can read about our times with him here on the blog.)
In the end though, I never had sex with Flower, and I wasn’t sexually attracted to him like I thought I would be. Was he attractive? Yes. Did I want to have sex with him? No. Definitely not. I didn’t really understand it at the time. I thought maybe I didn’t like him enough personality wise. I made up a million reasons, for myself, why it never happened. In the back of my mind, that little voice kept telling me there was more to it. I ignored her. For a while.
However, after I kept repeating the same cycle of cutting guys off the moment they even hinted at something sexual. I had to step back and look at myself. I stopped interacting with other people (beyond Narcissus) in a relationship/sexual manner for quite a while. I evaluated my arousal for people. I studied what I really fantasized, and thought about. I studied myself. Then it dawned on me: what if I’m a lesbian?
I scoffed at the thought, and tried to push it out of my mind for the next few days. I was bisexual. I had always been bisexual. Right?
For the first time in my life, I wasn’t sure anymore. Did I find men attractive? Sometimes, yes. Did I want to have sex with men? No. Did I find women attractive? Hell yeah. Did I want to have sex with women? Most definitely.
It was the most obvious thing to me once I accepted it. Why had I ever said I liked guys? I had always liked women. I always had sexual feelings for women. I was always way more intimately(/feelings) attracted to women, too.
Through all of these thoughts, I never once questioned my attraction to Narcissus though. I knew without a doubt that I loved him, lusted for him, wanted him. Why is he the exception? I have my ideas, but this post is already long. This will be an ongoing subject for me, as I fully accept, and explore this side of myself.