The mind is a funny thing. Sometimes things involving it are easily explainable, but usually, it’s too complex to even scratch the surface. Here we go…
I’ve always had a somewhat strange mind, for as long as I can remember. I didn’t notice it as a kid or put too much thought into it, but as I got older and learned things, I realized that I often clung to things in an obsessive manner and used them as outlets whenever I got in uncomfortable situations. After all, we find ways to cope with our issues, it’s a part of growing and maturing, but there must be a balance and healthy way to do it.
That’s where my issue comes in.
As we’ve pointed out before, we don’t live together. We see each other very often, and stay with each other, but there is alone time in between that. During this time, I have a lot of time to think, and live in my head. Sometimes the thoughts make me feel uncomfortable because of their subject, or sometimes because of their persistence to linger. Whatever the case may be, I drive myself nearly insane with it. Over the past year, we’ve tried different methods to help me live with the problem, but not give in to it. With a combination of it all, I’ve come a long way. I wouldn’t have made any progress, let alone the amount I’ve made, if it wasn’t for Rhea. Words cannot express what a supportive and amazing partner she’s been through all of this. I feel like I owe my life to her.
However, there seemed to be a lingering issue among it all. Even though it had come up before, I didn’t want to face it. I didn’t admit it. Not out loud anyway. Not until this week.
I realized, and accepted I have a sex addiction. Now usually, when I heard that term, I’d call bullshit. I looked at it in the simplest of terms that it meant the person loved sex so much they couldn’t get enough of it. That’s called sexuality, and usually fairly normal. Now I have a much better understanding of what it can mean, at least in my case.
As I said, I have a lot of time to myself, to think. Whenever a thought made me too uncomfortable, I’d resort to giving my body some sort of sexual response by masturbating. (We stopped chastity long ago because of problems this caused for it.) This was a quick and instant way to relieve myself of the uncomfortable feelings. I started out using it for that sometimes, but it built up to more and more until I was relying on it multiple times a day, looking for that same feeling even when I wasn’t feeling uncomfortable. I became dependent on it.
It took a while for us to narrow it down to this, because you hear so much about porn addiction that not many people actually realize that porn is no more than a tool for a much deeper problem you need to face. Looking back on it, I had this problem for years with it going unnoticed. I always thought I had mood issues, anxiety, and various other mental issues that I assumed were just a part of me. And while they still may be, to some extent, I have no doubt that what I was doing wasn’t helping it. Just a quick search showed me that a lot of what I was experiencing was linked to it.
Within the last couple of years is when a part of me wanted to realize and fix this problem, but I just didn’t want to let go of what I used so often. It wasn’t until very recently, I noticed my energy levels were extremely down, I had no sex drive, and I was beginning to have to really dig for porn that got me going. I knew then that this was out of hand, but I was scared to step over that barrier into a new life without it. It took Rhea noticing the signs for me to finally admit it to her and myself that I was at a breaking point with it.
Together, we came up with a plan to refrain me from masturbating for a time period we are calling the reset period. I don’t plan to stop forever, because we both believe it’s perfectly healthy and normal if done right. I am, however, stopping to find myself again. To level out. To replenish what I spent. After that, we will decide how it’s best to reintroduce it to me. I’m not treating this like a lock down where I must not do anything with my dick even though I want it super badly. I’m simply making a choice not to do it, and carrying on with other activities in my life. We also still plan to have sex normally when we stay together, because the two situations are very different for me.
Today was the first day of this reset period without her, and while things are mostly okay, it was bumpy when I first got up. I mistakenly trained myself by doing it around the same time periods everyday. So it’s like my body wanted it around that time late last night/today, and when I didn’t do it, I became agitated, uncomfortable, and anxious. I argued with Rhea about the dumbest shit during the time, but she talked to me, and helped me calm down. I don’t expect the next few days, or even week, to be better. I’m not sure if this is as bad as it’ll get, or it’s just the start, but I know that I want to work through it. It won’t be easy for either of us, but we both know it’s for the best. I want a better life and relationships with the people around me that I care about, not the cold distant person this was making me out to be.
I plan to post about my progress regularly, and if anyone else feels they are dealing with the same thing, or something similar, feel free to contact me and I’d be more than glad to talk about it or give any advice where I can.