The Unexplainable

Even though I consider myself pretty self-aware, there’s still times where I surprise myself and realize that I like something even more than I initially thought I would.

When I was younger, I was repulsed by the idea of anyone doing anything sexual with a girl that I was with, or had an interest in. It made me angry, jealous, and turned off. I admit this was a rather immature outlook, at least in my opinion, but it was me. I kept this outlook up until a few years ago.

I found myself, often, letting the thoughts slip into my sexual fantasies, of other men fucking Rhea. I didn’t understand why this was happening, but I didn’t like it, at all. I fought hard with myself to make them go away, because I felt like I was betraying myself and my own feelings in a sense. However, I felt the anger and jealousy evolving into a different feeling; one that’s hard to explain. It felt like a fire, ignited by arousal, lit up inside of me, with the jealousy adding fuel to the flame. I tried to figure out what it was, why it was happening, how could I make it go away but I couldn’t. I found it sexually exciting, a thrill, even if I didn’t want to.

As I’ve talked about before, I find it exciting to see Rhea do sexual things with others, but I never really looked into how I truly felt beyond that point. Instead of continuing this ongoing inner battle, I decided to really reflect on my feelings and thoughts with this fantasy. I noticed that in my fantasies I’m never involved, always just an on-looker, and I subconsciously focus on the acts that I know I like, that’ll make me jealous, if done to someone else. I also got off on the thought of others doing things to her that I know she likes. I just did not understand why I aimed for that feeling.

Then it clicked in my head.

There is no explanation, and there doesn’t need to be one. I simply want to be a cuckold, and that’s okay.

Instead of denying it with myself any longer, I faced and accepted it. I told Rhea about it, which she was obviously fine with, and didn’t look down upon me for it. In fact, I can’t say I was ever truly worried about that. I was more ashamed of myself for wanting it, because I initially felt like it was something that showed a man’s weakness; wanting to be humiliated, in a sense, by seeing another man fuck his partner and do the things that he enjoys and wishes he could do. That is, until I felt and accepted the unexplainable thrill I get from thinking about it.

Some months ago, probably actually close to a year now, we ordered a penis sleeve that adds a lot of girth and length, but we never used it beyond a couple of times after initially buying it. Last night, Rhea told me get it from our stash of toys, referring to it as if it was another man’s dick that will be fucking her tonight. Finally in the accepting mindset, I felt the excitement building. I eagerly did so, and warmed her up for it with my mouth. After teasing me with her mouth and getting me excited, she slid it over my dick, and immediately I felt locked away from any sensation through the thick sleeve, and looked down at the cock that looked nothing like mine, especially in size.

She laid back, and directed me to slide it into her, still unable to feel anything beyond a small bit of pressure from her muscles clenching around it. I thrusted my hips to control the cock going in and out of her, which was a real mind-fuck, to know that I was putting in the work to assist another dick in fucking her. Looking down at how stretched it had her, which was much more that I ever could, and how her juices were starting to build around it, made me grow even harder inside the sleeve from the visual stimulation alone. Eventually, my PA got caught wrong, and the suction from the sleeve caused a pinch that wouldn’t go away, so I had to remove it, which was disappointing initially.

However, pushing my desperate cock inside of her and feeling that something had been there first and opened her up, how wet she was from it, made the feeling grow even more. It made me feel like something had already pleased her the right way, and I was just fortunate enough to be able to follow up. I did the difficult task of containing my orgasm while she reached hers, then she ordered me to clean the other dick up immediately after.

While I was in the bathroom doing so, I began to think to myself. I questioned why anyone liked this, especially the two partners involved. By our primitive instincts, we shouldn’t. However, I realized that maybe that’s exactly a key role here. Our instincts kick in, we feel jealous and desire to outdo the potential threat, and it makes us want to fight for our partner’s pleasure, attention, and satisfaction even more. Not to mention the fact that you’re already (most likely) physically attracted to the person you’re with, so seeing them sexually will automatically have an arousing effect. A combination of all of these things, plus more (because honestly, I’m still not entirely sure on this), turns into a ball of passion that gives a thrilling effect.

Wanting to get thoughts and opinions from the dominant partner’s point-of-view in this, I asked Rhea why is it appealing to her after I returned to the room. Her answer was simply: it shows devotion. At that very moment, I realized how different the views and motivation behind this could be, on both sides of the fence, and how fascinating and mysterious of a thing it is from a psychological standpoint.

There’s some things that you can easily explain, then there’s some that you never can, even with all of the research and studying in the world. Whether a person considers this topic one or the other, is irrelevant in the end. I am just glad to be able to proudly say that I still find myself maturing sexually and within my outlooks on various topics within the world.

-Narcissus

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