I haven’t updated lately. The reason for that is because I just needed a break from a lot of things, this blog included. A few different things brought this on. One of the reasons is, I follow quite a few different bloggers, and reading some of the things that they wrote about made me realize that I needed to take a step back and just really evaluate some things in my life and about myself. Now that sounds a lot more dramatic than it really is, so don’t over-think it or anything.
Anyway, Narcissus and I are still doing FLR and denial (as best we can with the new piercing), but I hadn’t felt like talking about it with the internet, honestly. However, I am over that line of thinking, and I am ready to talk about and share parts of our life again
As Narcissus mentioned, the piercing had to be done again. I must say, I am much happier this time. We’ve yet to “use” it but I am happier with placement, and the look of it. We’re waiting longer this time because we want to be absolutely sure that it has all the time it needs in order to heal. Last time, it seemed to be healing really well, until it got to a certain point, then it just had a standstill. This was because it wasn’t done correctly the first time, and therefore couldn’t heal past a certain point. That has all been remedied now though, and I couldn’t be happier with it, so moving on.
Since getting the piercing again, we haven’t been doing as much sexual stuff. As I stated, penetrative intercourse is off the table (at least the type that involves his penis) but that doesn’t mean that other forms of sex are off limits. However, I simply haven’t been doing much. Sex is something that’s in my control, and that’s how I like it. Yet I haven’t been exercising this control; I just have been mostly avoiding sex. Why? Well, it’s complicated.
I am totally comfortable denying Narcissus when we’re fully practicing chastity, with the cage and all. I am discovering I’m not so comfortable denying him when I don’t feel we’re fully practicing chastity though. When he’s wearing the device for me, I believe he fully understands that he’s under my control. Since he hasn’t been wearing the device because of the healing though, I feel bad denying him an orgasm because he already can’t have penetrative sex with me, or oral sex. It’s stupid, really. He hasn’t said anything about this, so there’s no external pressure or anything. It’s just how I feel.
I still don’t feel like the device is “everything”, because I have denied him without using the device plenty of times before, but I feel like it’s more about habits, and my own mental state. For some dumb reason, when he got the piercing, and had to stop wearing the device, I let a lot of habits and my own mental state slip away. I am really big on control, probably to an unhealthy extent, and when I feel like I’m losing any of it, it puts me in a very weird place mentally. Now that I have fully recognized how I’m feeling, and why, I am trying to work on getting myself back together, and doing the things that I want to do.
A big part of chastity/denial for me is knowing that I can have his full focus on me, and my pleasure, and he’s not thinking about his penis or own pleasure. It allows me to freely enjoy myself without any pressure to do anything for him. Narcissus has never been a selfish lover, and he has always done his best to satisfy me, but I have a lot of mental blocks when it comes to my own pleasure, I believe. Chastity/denial is a way to free myself of a lot of these mental blocks, and it allows me to have the control and power that I want at the same time. It also helped his submissive side, so it was simply a good “click” for both of us.
Now I simply have to trust that he still wants to be submissive rather he’s wearing the device or not. I also have to just be okay with the fact that it’s okay for me to get the pleasure I want, and still deny him when I want to. I know some people may be questioning why someone who claims to be dominant is going through these questions and emotions, but I am human, too. It doesn’t matter which side of the slash in the D/s relationship you are, everyone has emotions, feelings and doubts. We’re not just one aspect of something. I think there’s a part of myself that needs to learn to accept that, as well.
Anyway, in closing, I am happy to be writing again, and I look forward to updating here more. Please keep in mind that even though I try to convey every aspect of how I’m feeling, and share my thoughts with everyone here, it’s extremely hard to truly convey EVERY aspect of my feelings and thoughts. In other words, take this as a window into my thoughts, and not an all-seeing and all-knowing key.