As planned, I went to Rhea’s house this weekend. In fact, I’m still here as I type this post. We had sex the first night, and even though we had to take it slow due to some tenderness still being in the area, it went just fine. I was surprised she could feel the jewelry, considering I’m still wearing the 12 gauge captive bead that the piercer used. She did feel it, though, and as I hoped, enjoyed it.
Today, however, I want to move to a different topic that’s having a larger presence in our relationship at the moment.
Rhea’s talked about this before, but it’s not something I’ve really brought up on here. When we first met, we always mentioned the idea that we believed people should have the option to explore multiple partners throughout their lifetime. Being monogamous didn’t really appeal to either of us, especially in a sexual sense. It’s not that we don’t fulfill each others needs, we just liked the idea of being able to explore what the world has to offer.
A couple of weeks ago, Rhea actually met a boy, who we’ll call Flower. This isn’t the first time this has happened. She’s met a few since we’ve been together, they send each other one or two generic introductory messages, possibly text a time or two, then that’s it. I was used to this stage of the process by now.
Here we are now, and not only are they still talking, but there’s been a bit of serious discussion going on regarding the potential that this could go even further. I don’t consider myself an extremely jealous person, or I wouldn’t have ever agreed to this in the first place. However, this has been a bit of a bumpy road for me, personally.
Rhea showed him to me, and kept me updated as they talked more and more, which was fine by me. As I’ve said, this has happened before, so I was used to it by now. She told him about her relationship with me, which he was fine with. That was the first instance that made me realize this may go further than the rest. She told one other boy about us, which he was supposedly fine with then, but blew his chances by becoming an idiot later on. It’s not like I just sat around hoping that would turn them away, but I felt like any progress was more progress than the last person and a new obstacle or barrier was being crossed into the sort of unknown. I trust Rhea entirely, and feel confident in our relationship, but a part of me naturally let the thoughts of her leaving me, liking him better, etc. cross my mind, even if just a tiny bit.
As far as sex goes, I don’t really worry about that. I encourage that aspect, in fact. I want her to have fun, and honestly, it’s a turn on for me to think about. I can’t say I’m worried about her liking it better, because even if he’s great, I know where her heart is.
The bigger issue at play here is my own short comings. Regardless of how much she reassures me, I’m always worried that she may realize I’m not so great, fun, or as nice of a person as she currently thinks I am. I’m worried she will get with someone else who’s not as overly cautious as me, or doesn’t get moody at times like I do, and will see that there is a better life without me. She’s never shown any signs of doing this, and always tells me how she’s with me not just for the good, but also what I consider bad about myself because it helps us fit together perfectly. However, that doesn’t stop the thoughts from slipping in.
I have the instinctual feeling occasionally that I need to jump into this to protect and shield her from Flower. Which don’t get me wrong, I don’t see her as a piece of property that I own. It more comes down to a protective, defensive stance, because I don’t want her to get hurt, physically or emotionally, in this. I worry that Flower won’t be what she deserves, but in the end, I have to remind myself that she must make her own judgment, and I have to trust that, or I’ll drive myself crazy.
The first night this really sat in that it’s a bigger possibility than it’s ever been, I felt a feeling I couldn’t describe. It felt like a grieving process, almost. Which, even to this day, I truly find ridiculous. I believe it was a trigger within my body to cope with the thoughts that she may be leaving out of my life for this boy, as crazy as it sounds. We talked about all of this as it happened, and it helped a lot.
That is, until it reoccurred.
It wasn’t the sad, grieving feeling this time. It was the fact that he was fine with the terms she was laying out for him. It showed me a couple of things, but the biggest thing that bothered me about it is that it showed me he is open minded, which made him an even bigger “threat” since it’s something we have both said we like to have in the people we associate with. Again, I have to remember that she’s not with me just for my positives, but also the bad things that help make me who I am. Remembering that is important because I just keep in mind that even if someone else has a similar quality about them that she likes in me, they won’t be entirely who I am.
After a slightly bumpy week, I sat back, and really thought about things, as it’s always good to do. I asked myself if I was ready for this. If I wanted it and was prepared for everything that comes along with being in an open relationship, good and bad. I had a couple of thoughts creep in that tried to tell me it wasn’t the right thing to do, it was just too much of a risk, the uncertainties of it all. After a lot of talking and patience from Rhea throughout this, I knew it was time to come to my own conclusion.
I really thought about it all logically, and realized that I couldn’t let what I knew was irrational insecurities change my true wants and beliefs. I’ve always been against the thought of me or my partner being stuck to just each other for our entire life. I’m a strong believer in making the most of your life and exploring whatever you can. With this in the mind, I decided to let go of all of the worries, as best as I could, and just go with what I believe in. I’m far from perfect, and I know my problems probably aren’t done, but as this situation progresses, I feel like I’m personally making more overall progress with my own personal issues.