I was recently invited to join a group of other women who write and identify as dominant. Each month a new topic is picked and all the women write on this topic. I have decided I will be sharing my posts on the blog. If you’d like to learn more about this go here.
This month’s topic: Have you ever changed your mind about a kink? Thought you liked something and it turned out you didn’t? Thought you didn’t like something and it turned out you did? What do you think made you flip?
There are a few kinks out there I have changed my mind on, and this list won’t be completely exhaustive of all of them. I will do my best to highlight a few that I think are pretty vital, and explain why I changed my mind about them.
The very first kink I want to discuss that I changed my mind on is “submissive kinks”. Now that is a very, very broad term, so I will elaborate as best I can. When I was very first considering sexual things I thought I might like, years ago, I thought I might like to be more submissive. It was strange because I have always thought of myself as more dominant, and always wanted to do dominant things to people, but something inside me said, “maybe you should try submissive play”.
I didn’t want to be a true submissive, and I knew that. However, I thought maybe it’d be nice to be tied up and hit occasionally. I was wrong. I explored these things with Narcissus in the beginning of our relationship somewhat. I would ask him to spank me, whip me, do light bondage, those sorts of things. I could never pull the enjoyment from it that I thought I would though. I never found that magical subspace people talk about. I never found anything even close to it. It just annoyed me.
I hated that I wasn’t in control. I hated that things weren’t being done my way. When the playing was over, I would be left asking myself what the hell was I thinking? I knew I didn’t like to not have control. When we played like this I always felt frustrated, annoyed, and borderline just angry. I couldn’t stand the almost helpless feeling that some of these acts gave me. Being tied up in anyway was the worst, because I absolutely can’t stand to not be able to physically remove myself from a situation that I don’t like.
I am very lucky that I was able to explore these kinks with someone that I trust unconditionally. If I had tried this with anyone else I probably would have bit their head off. Narcissus was extremely patient, understanding, and always listened to everything I told him when it came to these kinks and my feelings. I never once felt judged by him for the way I went back and forth on things, or the way I felt about these things when it was all said and done.
It didn’t take me long to decide I didn’t want to do these things anymore. At least not in the fully submissive way that I was trying it. Do I like to have my ass slapped sometimes still? Yes, I do, but only under my terms and when I say.
How I feel about impact play and other kinks that are usually considered “submissive” is complicated. I can like how impact play feels, when done on my terms. I can’t do it in a way where I hand over control to my partner (as confusing as that sounds). I can be hit, and enjoy it but it must be done exactly my way. It’s also important to me that I know how different toys feel so I know what my partner is going through when I use it on them. So whenever a new toy is bought I have it used on me, so I know what I’m inflicting.
I think a large part of the reason I thought I might like submissive play is because I have a very high pain tolerance, and I enjoy pain. However, I didn’t really consider the fact that I can’t stand to be out of control when I was considering these acts. Yes, I understand there are safewords and that make me in control, but that also stopped me from being able to find that subspace, and from getting enjoyment out of the play, in a sense.
I also can’t stand to actually submit to someone, and obey commands. That is one of the quickest ways to piss me off. I have a huge amount of respect for people that can take commands, and submit, because it’s one the toughest things for me. I don’t mind when people ask me to do something, and so long as I’m capable, I will usually do it. I can be very accommodating, but I can’t stand demands made of me. So all these things tied into one confusing ball is what made me decide that being anything submissive just wasn’t for me. It’s not a clear and concise path that got me here, but it’s one I understand, and that’s all that matters.
The next kink that I changed my mind on is petplay. Now, this another one that isn’t as easily defined as it sounds. Narcissus mentioned wanting to be a pet to me several times over the years before we started enforced chastity, and FLR and every single time I was totally squeaked by the idea. The thought of someone acting like an animal, and me owning them really, really bugged me. A big part of this was my lack of knowledge on the subject.
I do not judge people into pet play, at all. It really fascinates me, and after loads and loads of research on the subject I understand it better. My hangup about it is/was very complicated though. I didn’t want to treat him like a dog (or any other animal really) and I didn’t want him to act like an animal. Which is strange because in some ways I do want to treat him like an animal, but it took me a long time to actually see that.
This is just another example of why communication is so important. When Narcissus kept asking for petplay the only thing that would come to mind was hardcore petplay where we had to buy a mask that looked like a dog head, wrap his hands to be like paws, and make him eat/drink from a bowl and sleep in a kennel. It felt like I would be losing my partner in some sense every time he asked for this, and I didn’t want that, at all. I understand that this was a very narrow-minded view now. I should have asked him for specifics on what he wanted. I should have asked him what did he hope to get from the experience, but I didn’t, and that was my fault. He also never took the time to explain this to me because he felt like I shot down the subject every time it was brought up. I didn’t intentionally do this, but I can see why he felt that way.
Could I have this type of relationship with someone? Yes, I could, but I didn’t want it with him. Having someone who wants to be an animal is fine, and owning someone into this, is also fine with me now. However, before I understood it better it bugged me. It never bugged me in the sense that I judged others for it, or thought that they were weird. It just bugged me because I wasn’t sure how I felt about it truly. I had a lot of questions for myself every time I thought about it, like most people do when it comes to any kink.
A large part of my confusion with it though came from the fact that I didn’t question many of my other kinks in the same fashion. My entire life I have considered myself a kinky person, even when I was child. I liked some things that I knew were “out there”, and I have always expected I’d end up in a relationship that incorporated BDSM, kink, and fetish play in some sense. However, petplay was one of the first things that made me truly think about myself and my likes and dislikes on a deeper level that I assume non-kinky people go through when they find our their partner is kinky.
So after I had time to consider myself, and communicate with Narcissus on the topic more, we came to conclusion we’d include certain elements of petplay into our relationship that we both wanted. He wanted me to be his owner/master, and I was good with that. He didn’t want to be treated like an animal to the full extent that some people do, but he likes to be pet, to be told he’s a good boy, and be allowed to act animalistic at times. All of these things were acceptable and exciting to me, so we included them. They are now elements of our relationship that I wouldn’t change, and that I find deeply satisfying.
I am very grateful that Narcissus brought this type of play up, because it made me have to learn more about it, and truly decide how I felt about it for myself.
The next kink I want to talk about, that sort of ties into the petplay (for us anyway) is urine. Once upon a time ago, I didn’t like the idea of being peed on. I could totally see myself actually peeing on someone, but being peed on was strange to me. This was something that Narcissus brought up pretty early in our relationship, which didn’t freak me out like it might some people, but it did intrigue me. He wanted not only to be peed on, but to be able to pee on me. I told him I will pee on him, but I had to think about letting him pee on me.
I didn’t take that long to think about it because it was a really mild thing in my head. I told myself and him we’ll try it because the worst thing that happens is I end up not liking it. So long story short, I peed on him, and he peed on me (not in the same scenario) and it wasn’t a huge ordeal. It’s not the type of kink that I absolutely love and want to do all the time, but it is something I enjoy sometimes.
Now, how does this tie into our light form of petplay? Well, he likes when I mark him, and he can mark me. We’re not the stingy type, as we’re in an open-relationship, but he draws sanctification from this act. I like it, too, but not in the marking sense that he does. Just in a dominant way, if that makes any sense.
The last kink I’m going to talk about is anal stuff. I know some people don’t consider this a kink, and I myself don’t even see it fully as a kink, but it’s something that I feel should be included in this list. Early in our relationship Narcissus expressed interest in anal stuff, and I was pretty against it. I liked the idea of doing stuff to him, but I didn’t want anything done to me. This simply came from the fact I was scared.
I was really scared that anything anal done to me was going to hurt way too much. This fear came from what a lot of people have to say about it, and also from some self exploration. Anything anal I had done with myself didn’t feel good, or do much for me. I’ve come to discover I just wasn’t doing it right.
It took me a few years to agree to anal play and even once I did I was extremely wishy washy about it. I would only very occasionally agree, and when I did I didn’t do anything for long. It did hurt me to some degree. The pain wasn’t as extreme as some people say it will be, but there was definitely some pain. So I ended up ending the play pretty quickly most of the time. There wouldn’t have been so much pain if I hadn’t been so nervous, and still slightly against doing it, though. We weren’t even trying full anal sex where he stuck his penis in my ass, we were just experimenting with fingers and small toys, but this was too much for me a lot of the time.
I do believe I was simply going about it all the wrong way though, with the wrong mindset. I was fully convinced that I wasn’t going to like it, or anything about it. I was wholeheartedly convinced that everything about it was always going to hurt. I wasn’t really going into it with an open mindset, even though I claimed I was. I had wholeheartedly convinced myself that I was truly open-minded on the subject, when I was in fact not, I was just in denial.
It wasn’t until about a year ago that I really sat down with myself and really evaluated how I felt. I had to ask myself some tough questions and really decide how I felt, and what I wanted. In the end I decided that I truly wanted to give anal stuff a real try, and this time with a truly open mind. So I did just that. Was there some pain? Yes, but it wasn’t as extreme as I had convinced myself it was in the beginning. Did I still feel self-conscious at times? Yes, and even now I still get a little worried sometimes, but I know that I have a very understanding partner who isn’t going to make me feel embarrassed should something actually go wrong. Did I start getting pleasure out of it? Yes, I certainly did.
I have learned that I truly love plugs, and I love to use plugs during vaginal intercourse even. I love the stimulation in both holes, and the unique sensations it gives me. I very recently had full anal sex (penis in anus) and really enjoyed it. We had attempted it a few times before but I always cut it short because it was uncomfortable, but it was a success this time. I simply had to quit being narrow-minded and just allow myself to experience it for what it was. I had to leave the fear surrounding it behind me to be able to enjoy it.
Like I said in the beginning, I always liked the idea of doing things to Narcissus’ ass, but I have come to enjoy it even more now that I am truly open about the subject.
As I said, this isn’t an exhaustive list of kinks I’ve changed my mind about but they’re a few that have been pretty important during the last few years for me. I hope that I will find more kinks that I change my mind on, too. The only way to find out if you like or dislike like something is to try it, and I want to keep trying things.
I love learning and exploring new things, and I hope that as times goes on I will continue to do just that with everything in life, including the sexual things.
I would love to hear about some kinks that you, the readers, have changed your mind on about, and why, if you feel like sharing.