Limits. One of the most important discussions you can have with your partner(s), especially in any BDSM play, is limits. There’s different levels of limits, so you also have to discuss that aspect with your partner(s). Some people like to have their soft limits pushed, just a little, and some people don’t. These are all things you have to ask your partner(s), and your partner(s) needs to tell you.
It’s also important to have this conversation more than once because limits change. Sometimes people discover they don’t like something they thought they did, or they decide they like something after all. Likes and dislikes are ever-evolving things, as I’m sure everyone knows. Therefore, it’s important to know that this is a discussion that should never really stop. People shouldn’t be afraid to discuss their limits with their partner(s), and they also shouldn’t be afraid or uncomfortable to tell their partner(s) that one of these limits hasn’t been respected to the level they feel it should be, if something happens.
It’s very, very important that you respect your partner’s limits, rather you’re into kinky play or not. Your partner(s) needs to be able to trust you, and if you push their limits, how are they supposed to do that? This is especially true if it’s a hard limit, and they have made it clear that they want nothing to do with a particular thing, and then you do it anyway.
When you’re into any dominant and submissive play, it’s very important for the dominant to know exactly what the submissive’s limits are because it’s the dominant’s responsibility to keep the submissive safe and respect their wishes. If you’re in a role where you’re the dominant partner and you do something your submissive told you not to, then you’re taking advantage of a person and it’s no different from any other form of molestation or rape. Just because you’re the dominant partner, doesn’t mean you have the right to abuse someone.
This is the type of subject that isn’t discussed as much when the female partner is the dominant partner. I’m not sure exactly why that is. I know men aren’t always taken seriously when they report that they’ve been taken advantage of by a woman, but it’s just as serious. It doesn’t matter if you’re male, female, or if you identify as something else; rape is rape, and any sort of unwanted sexual attention or conduct is wrong.
Some people believe that a female dominant can’t do anything to them that they wouldn’t want and that just isn’t true. Just because the dominant is a female, doesn’t mean that she’s not capable of abusing you in some way. You need to always make your limits clear, and if the dominant can’t respect them, then you need to not play with them. If you’re not entirely sure what you’re limits are then you need to take it slow, and not be afraid to speak up when you don’t like something. This is a good reason for safewords.
Women also need to understand that just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean you’re not capable of abusing someone. You may think that someone’s limit isn’t a big enough limit to not respect, and you couldn’t possibly hurt them that much, but that also isn’t true. Also, just because you’re a woman doesn’t give you the right to be abusive, or vindictive with your partner(s). You wouldn’t want for someone to take advantage of you in certain fashions, so you need to respect the wishes of others, no matter what you personally think of their limits. It also doesn’t matter what gender you are, you need to respect your partner’s wishes.
If you push your partner’s limits then you need to apologize and discuss it with them. Sometimes mistakes and accidents happen. We’re human, so this will likely happen at some point. However, we need to be mature enough and responsible enough to discuss it. You should apologize and ask them what they need from you to fix it and to rebuild the trust. Sometimes it’s such a small mistake the person is okay, but sometimes it’s a big enough thing that it’s going to take a lot for the person to trust you again, and sometimes the relationship simply can’t be fixed after a mistake like this.
If the person you’re with repeatedly pushes, or breaks your limits, and you’ve discussed it and it continues, then you should leave. It means that this person is simply abusing their power. You should never put yourself in a situation where you’re not being respected.
People should also make their limits very clear, so they’re not violated. You need to tell your partner(s) exactly what you aren’t okay with, and what level of a limit it is, and if you’re comfortable with pushing it at all. There are some things that people are leery about, but want to work on it, so they will inform their partner(s) it’s a soft limit and they’d like to test the waters. There are some kinks and forms of play that people simply aren’t brave enough to try without a little push, so they will ask their partner(s) for help. However, even if you choose to let your limits be pushed, you need to still have control. If you’re not liking it and you need to stop for any reason, you need to be able to tell your partner(s), and have your partner(s) respect your wishes. Also, if you’re the dominant in a situation like this, you need to listen to your partner(s), and not just verbally listen, either. You need to pay attention to their body, and see if you need to quit. Sometimes people aren’t always capable of telling their dominant that they need to stop.
So in conclusion to all of this, you need to communicate with your partner(s). It doesn’t matter if you’re the dominant, submissive, switch, or identify as something else entirely. It also doesn’t matter if you’re into BDSM, or any sort of kinky play. Everyone should know their partner’s limits and fully respect them. I would like to encourage everyone to keep this subject fresh and keep discussing these things.
Also, if you feel that your limits aren’t being respected, do not be afraid to discuss the subject with your partner(s) and take the appropriate actions. Your partner(s) may have no idea that you’re uncomfortable with something, so be sure to communicate. If you’re in a dominant position, ensure that you know what your partner is and isn’t comfortable with, and respect them.
Safe and happy play everyone.