After reading Rhea’s Keyholder’s Control post yesterday, it really got me to thinking. It’s not something I had ever put much thought into, but after that, I did. I truly reflected on how often I do read about locked men basically forcing their expectations onto their keyholder. That led me to where I am now, giving you my perspective on the situation.
Like she said, one of the biggest things seems to be men wanting, or not wanting, their orgasms at very specific times. I can understand this, as I was like that for the first week or two after we started it. I wouldn’t tell her specifically when I wanted to orgasm, but rather time frames when I think she should let me do it. I just couldn’t fully let go of that control at first.
Quickly, I realized this just wasn’t we signed up for.
I felt like I handed the power to her verbally, but not mentally. By verbally, I mean that I gave her the power to tell me when I could and couldn’t orgasm, but I still had my own time frames in my head when I felt it was right, and I’d tell her that. I wasn’t truly in the mindset that my orgasms was entirely in her hand. Not only did this become stressful for me because I always sat around and thought about when it’d be a good time, but I also came to the conclusion that this wasn’t a true control of my orgasms.
One night, I settled in my mind that I’m truly going to hand over my orgasms to her, not think about getting them, or not even expect them. I realized that this meant, in her words, I may get one “every single day or have to wait a year.” I thought about that, and asked myself if I was truly okay with that. I came to the conclusion that I was, and told her that I was truly handing over my orgasms to her, and that I didn’t want anything I said before that point to be an influence on her.
At that very moment, and ever since then, I haven’t done anything sexually with the thought of an orgasm as a possibility. That doesn’t mean I dwell on the fact that I may or may not get one, or feel depressed about it. I focus on other things that replaces the orgasm, such as giving her an orgasm, or just knowing that me not having one is giving her exactly what she wants from me. This helps give me the satisfied, achieved feeling after sex that my orgasm would usually provide. Do I remain horny? Yes, but isn’t that the point? That’s just more sexual energy I can use toward her.
I still ask for them occasionally in the moment, and often tell her how close I am and how bad I want to have one when I’m close during sex but not because I truly expect them. I know I’m not going to get one unless she just wants me to have it, but I tell her because I like for her to know just how worked up she has me. It’s more of a reminder how good she is at what she does. I wouldn’t do this, but since we’ve started, she’s definitely settled more into her role and decided what she likes, doesn’t like, and how she’s going to handle things. I don’t have the fear that what I say in the middle of sex will influence her. I avoided this at first, however, because I wanted to give her the room to decide what works for her as a keyholder.
I have to say, I was always confident in her. At the same time, you can’t add pressure to a person at the beginning of something so new and different in the relationship. To quote her;
“Imagine trying to decide when you should let someone orgasm when in the past they’ve told you it has been too long, but other times they have told you that you didn’t wait long enough. How exactly are they supposed to find this Goldilocks time-frame of just right? It can be very confusing for some keyholders, and I’m sure they feel like they’re never doing anything right when it comes to chastity.”
I totally agree with that. Regardless of the person and how strong or tough they are, they are in a relationship with you, most likely. That means they are probably going to strongly consider a lot of what you say, and how you feel, if for no other reason than to make sure their relationship works. This is why you just can’t push something onto them while they’re probably a little unsure, at the least, on how exactly they want to do things. This is going to lead to an overload of stress and a big chance of blowing any chances of it working right for the both of you.
I want to be clear on the fact that I’m not saying do not talk with your keyholder. In fact, communication is key. As Rhea stated, politely talk about any issues you’re truly having, but don’t push specific things on your keyholder.
Always remember, that if you agreed to this, and sticking to it, then your orgasm is completely in their control.