Necessary Evil

Shortly after I met Rhea, there was one thing that it didn’t take long for me to learn about her. She pushes people to what she knows they can handle, to their fullest potential. That’s not a bad thing at all. Actually, I think it’s a rare gem to actually find that trait in people. It’s one of the things that I have always appreciated about her, and one of the things I’d never change or want to lose.

Honestly, though, this one thing she’s pushing me on is one that I’m realizing is becoming a bit tougher than I thought it’d be: my long term orgasm denial.

A couple of months ago, Rhea had me tied up for an edging and teasing session, which I loved. Right at the end, however, there was a brief flash in my head. It was a realization that I was truly, absolutely out of my own control. This caused a mix of feelings ranging from panicked to highly aroused. This happened just as she untied one of my hands, so I believe being in the stage between regaining my control and still not having it all was a reminder of just what position I was really in.

I had that same exact feeling this morning.

As I’ve stated, Rhea’s has me on the longest period of denial since we’ve started this, which is roughly a month now. While she’s keeping count, I lost it long ago. Considering how I used to orgasm on average once a day before we started this, she’s definitely pushing me far beyond my boundaries. Since starting, the longest period aside from this time has been right at three weeks.

When she told me she wanted to do a long term denial after my last orgasm, it honestly wasn’t a big deal to me. I wait it out, just a bit longer this time, then have the orgasm when she’s ready for me to. I knew she was serious, but never experiencing a wait quite this long, I had no basis to know exactly what long term felt like. She’s been hornier the last few days than she normally is, leading to us having even more sex than the usual amount that we have, which isn’t small within itself. I almost find this a cruel, sadistic reminder that I can’t have an orgasm, regardless of how many she has.

I’ve accepted a while ago that she’s serious about not letting me orgasm anytime soon. Like I said before, I don’t expect it anymore, I don’t even think about how an orgasm feels anymore. When we have sex, I don’t even let the thought cross my mind that this might be the time she lets me do it. That doesn’t mean that I don’t want it, but I’d drive myself crazy if I really thought about the potential of getting one at this point. I don’t allow myself to see an end to this.

That all changed a few days ago. During a play argument between us, she told me she does, in fact, have a day in mind to let me orgasm and if I act up, the day may get bumped up. This opened up everything in my mind I was trying to hold back from myself. I know that there is potentially an orgasm somewhere near, that I may just experience that feeling sometime again soon, or potentially a very long time from now. Regardless of when, I know that there is a day somewhere in my future that she has in mind to let me orgasm on.

I now think about every aspect of an orgasm, and how badly I crave one. It’s hard for me to avoid thinking about it, knowing that one does, in fact, lay in my future. Did I honestly think she’d deny me forever? Definitely not, but not knowing that she had a date in mind had me living in denial on a more day-to-day basis, not having anything to look forward to. Now, I’m struggling to maintain and reach for a day I’m not even certain of, but know it’s there.

Last night, during sex, I begged her to let me cum. She gave a stern no, so I didn’t put up a fight. Later, while laying in bed, my mind went to that state. This brings me back to the feeling I talked about at the beginning of the post. I had that moment of frustration, panic, and highly aroused at once. I felt frustrated that I hadn’t felt what an orgasm feels like in so long and that I still don’t know when I’ll feel my next one. I felt panicked at the thought of something that I cherished no longer being in my control. My orgasm is truly in her control, my mind is convinced of that. That doesn’t mean I never felt like it was, but now, I feel that it’s almost impossible to have an orgasm unless she allows it. Could I take my hand and easily masturbate until I orgasm? Sure, but the problems that would arise from that would be much bigger than my craving. Not only would she be extremely disappointed and angry to say the least, but knowing I failed at something I committed to with her would tear me to pieces. The guilt alone would probably drive me to never want another orgasm for a long time. So, as far as I’m concerned, an orgasm without her permission is next to impossible.

Lastly, the arousal that was formed from them. Among all things, I love the fact that she’s in control of my sexual pleasure. The “negative” emotions came together and led right into the formation of this one. The both of them showed me just how much control she really does have over me, that I don’t see myself having any sort of orgasm unless she allows it. While I use arousal to define the feeling, there’s a bit of everything tossed in with it ranging from excitement to love.

I remember what I’m doing for her, how it pleases her, and just how committed I truly feel to this, by handing over something to her that I would have never imaged doing. I feel like, at least for us, the longer periods of denial occasionally will be a good way to review what we’re in, to give us time to think and realize if we’re still truly committed to what we’re doing. Sticking through them takes a form of commitment from both of our ends and if we get through it without quitting, or having major problems, then it’s something we both still want to do.

I like to see them as something down the lines of a necessary evil.

-Narcissus

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